positivelyBLEAK Grinning back into the abyss.

The High Court of Love: Having a Heavy Metal Valentine’s Day

TOO KVLT

Our familiar sickly-​sweet hol­iday wasn’t always this pus­si­fied. The ancient Romans called it Lupercalia, “the Wolf Festival,” you know, because of that she-​wolf that nursed Romulus and Remus…what, you weren’t paying atten­tion in Ancient History? Anyway, people ran around naked in the streets, a bunch of priests sac­ri­ficed goats, wore the raw goat pelts, and women lined up for the priests to beat them with the bloody bits of hide to ensure their fertility.

ROCK ON!

The Feast of Lupercalia

So how did we get to this point, where everything’s so boring and blood­less? Well, some pope showed up and decided that it was un-​Christian (of course it was!) and it was abol­ished around the 5^th cen­tury. Weak. I might not have goats to slaughter, but here are a few tips to bring this much-​bemoaned hol­iday back to its scary-​as-​fuck roots. Note to the impres­sion­able: if you land your­self in a holding cell for any of this, keep my name out of it!

♠ Get one of those eye-​roll-​inducing stuffed ani­mals (holding a heart, natch) from the gro­cery store, drag it out into the street and use it as a burnt offering to Satan or what­ever. Bonus points for painting pen­ta­grams on the pavement.

♠ Single and angry? Drink all day and start a fight at your local dive. Bonus points for drinking out of a heart-​shaped flask!

♠ Stay in and watch horror movies. The obvious choices are My Bloody Valentine and Valentine (which is just wretched, but stars David Boreanaz, come on!), but any­thing love-​themed will do — Bride of Chucky, anyone?

♠ Is it snowy where you are? (It’s frosty and bleak as fuck here in Boston!) Perfect your corpse­paint and dress up. March those boots out into the woods and take power metal snap­shots. Pose with the dead trees, wave a fake battle axe around, make angry faces and let your hair fly in the wind.

♠ Go see some strip­pers. I don’t care what your sexual ori­en­ta­tion is, it’s pretty hard not to feel at least a little debauch­erous when you’re hanging out in a dimly-​lit bar full of scantily clad ladies. High-​five the heavy metal strip­pers, they’re the best! Remember that they’re reg­ular people, too, and if you’re not too much of a creep, they’ll likely have some great sto­ries to share. (Also: TIP.)

♠ Devour a heart. Or two. Or more. They’re rich and fla­vorful and great for you! Most butcher shops carry them, but turn to any market that car­ries South American food if you have trouble finding them. Brazilian chicken hearts are among my favorite foods; they’re deli­cious, and I refer to them as meat jelly­beans. Go even bigger and make some deli­cious beef heart! (If you don’t eat meat, per­haps you could sculpt one out of tofu?) Heart is best enjoyed while pre­tending to re-​enact that scene from Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom.

♠ Create your own batch of mini-​Valentines. Make them as grymm and evil as you pos­sibly can. Anatomical hearts, Satan, lovey-​dovey skele­tons, dead babies, overly pointy gui­tars, and goats are all good themes to con­sider. Staple some candy to them and hand them out to strangers on the street with a big, leery smile.

♠ Round up your single friends and book a motel room with a heart-​shaped hot tub. Shut out the rest of the world and have your own pri­vate party. Trash the room for added rock and roll street cred…but leave a fat tip for the poor folks who’ll have to clean it up!

♠ Got a partner? Fuck. All day long. Leave your bed only to order delivery. (Do con­sider birth con­trol if you’re straight and not looking to repro­duce, though, it is a fer­tility fes­tival after all…) Single? Stay in bed with some toys. All day. No excep­tions. Go vibrator shop­ping if you have to. A decent toy is usu­ally cheaper than a dozen roses.

♠ Dress up and go to a dingy hole-​in-​the-​wall for dinner. Bring your own table­cloth and vased flowers. Eat hot dogs in your old prom dress, then head to a dive bar for darts or pool in your finery. Point and laugh out the window at everyone waiting in line to get into your local trendy date restau­rants. (If you’re near a White Castle, they’ll pro­vide the finery for you!)

♠ Go old school and anony­mously mail Penny Dreadfuls to your ene­mies. Make your own and tell people that they are false metal.

♠ Find Tom Araya and give him an earful for can­celing the Feb. 14^th Slayer/​Megadeth show here in Massachusetts, because it’s just not cool to leave me scram­bling for plans like that.

♠ If you really, really hate Valentine’s Day, cel­e­brate another, more fun hol­iday instead! Wear green, blast the Pogues, and drink beer. Cook up some turkey and stuffing and watch some old foot­ball games on tape. Celebrate 420 early with some tie-​dye, Cheetos, and bong rips. Put on a cos­tume and knock on your neighbor’s doors demanding candy!

Metal Love by Peter Beste

I’ll be going on a fancy date with Mr. McManbeast him­self to see Witch Tomb, Darkwor and Black Pyramid at a little local rock dive, then chilling out with some pink cham­pagne and watching tor­ture flicks…and on Monday, all the candy goes on sale!

What are your plans?