positivelyBLEAK Grinning back into the abyss.

Getting the GWAR Off

GWAR live in Toronto by Mark Coatsworth

You saw GWAR. Awesome. Seems like they’re always on tour these days — not that anyone rea­son­able is com­plaining. Now you’re home and you just want to get your weary, likely drunk, self into bed without leaving a layer of scum all over your sheets. (My sheets have Batman on them and I would rather die then stain them with faux bloody-​semeny-​mucus.)

“me and my friend burke went to bick­fords after a show once. I was unscathed but burke was dyed a lovely shade of pink. I say to him why don’t you wash that off in the bath­room. He says “because I think I can use it to my advan­tage.” I sit puzzeled as burke yells across the bick­fords “HEY LADY, YOU EVER FUCK A PINK GUY BEFORE?!” long story short. After that night, she had.” — T.

Luckily, the band has their own very expen­sive cos­tumes to worry about; if you planned ahead and wore some­thing wash­able, then the bodily fluids will likely not cause any per­ma­nent damage. Peel it off and throw it over the radi­ator or on a drying rack. GWAR-​splatter is mostly com­prised of water, pow­dered pig­ment, and carageenan — a sea­weed extract that’s also used in sexual lubri­cant. (!!) This stuff is designed to flake off once it dries, so while it might look hor­rible and stained now, a lot might come off in a fine, sinus-​tormenting dust after it’s spent some time airing out. Shake it off out­side and run it through the laundry — it should be fine.

“12 gal­lons of virgin blood. Works won­ders on the deep stains left by GWAR.” — F.

(Note: some people will keep their dirty clothes from their first GWAR shows. This is a cute memento, but seri­ously, don’t wear it out, because that is dis­gusting. Frame it or some­thing if you must.)

If you wore leather boots or shoes, you can let them dry and then dust off the pow­dered pig­ments with a rag. If you wore canvas sneakers, con­sid­ering tossing them into the wash with your dirty clothes.

Hop in the shower if you’re not going any­where else tonight. A hot shower will get most of the goop off of you, and scrub­bing a bit with a loofah or wash­cloth will expe­dite the process. When it’s time to get the gak out of your hair, turn the tem­per­a­ture down to cool. Skip the shampoo; duck out from under the water and scrub your hair with con­di­tioner. The condish will trap the bits of pig­ment and sea­weed goop and will carry it away when you rinse, so you won’t have to shampoo your hair over and over again to get it out. Rinse under cool water to help smooth down any dam­aged hair and min­i­mize the amount of pig­ment that’ll get trapped and turn your hair funny colors.

“Ok. Tour of 93–94 or so. First time I’ve ever seen them.I lived in worcester, we went to New Britan con­neticut to see them. I’m drenched head to toe in red, blue and yellow. Finally get back home at like 5 AM, and I’m asleep on my feet. Get in the shower, and I do not lie, I watched 3 streams of entirely sep­a­rate colors going down the drain. No kid­ding, the colors would not mix.” — J.

What if you have a hot date after the show, or you’re vis­iting Grammy and Grampy first thing in the morning? Well, there’s a little fine-​tuning to do. Break out the cotton balls and Q-​tips, and I hope you have a bottle of witch hazel. (Rubbing alcohol works in a pinch, but it’ll make your skin itchy and dry after­ward. Also, witch hazel is intrin­si­cally more metal due to having the word “witch” in its name.) Soak a cotton ball with the witch hazel and rub it over your knuckles, elbows, what­ever crevices still manage to have GWAR goo trapped in them. Dunk one end of a Q-​tip into the witch hazel and use it to clean out your ears — seri­ously, there’s crap in there, you just don’t see it yet. Use eye makeup remover to clear off your face, behind your ears, and around your nostrils.

If there’s still goop under your nails, then I’ll assume that you haven’t got a nail brush. Grab an old tooth­brush, wet it, and rub a little bit of dish soap in to start a lather. Scrub and try to angle the bris­tles as far back under your nails as you can. If you can’t be arsed, just toss a coat of dark nail polish on and no one’s the wiser.