positivelyBLEAK Grinning back into the abyss.

The Positively Bleak Guide to Metal Hair

Or: How to Dodge the Rancid Hippie Ponytail

Metal ladies and gen­tlemen alike cherish their long hair — have you ever tried to talk someone into cut­ting it off? Good fucking luck.

What I have trouble embracing is the strong attach­ment to bad hair. You know you’ve been to a show and hit full in the face with a flying bundle of split ends. It looks and feels like a stable floor, it breaks off and sheds every­where, it frizzes into a near ‘fro when the humidity spikes. The human attached to it will often adamantly refuse even a trim. That shit is for pro­gram­mers and Burners.

Be the met­al­head with the gor­geous, flowing, bullet-​belt-​length locks. Put a little effort in. You’ll wind­mill it with pride. Note that Peter Steele had enor­mous packs of groupies well before his Playgirl fea­ture. Have you ever touched that man’s hair? It feels like cash­mere. (Note: please do not assault Mr. Steele or his hair.)

This guide is intended as a jumping off point for the short-​haired among us, but hope­fully those of you already in pos­ses­sion of a long mane can take some­thing away from it as well.

KICKING IT OFF:

1. Assess your locks. Is your hair thick, fine, wavy, straight, kinky, oily, dry, full of dan­druff? What have you used to tor­ture it over the years? Bleach and dye have long-​lasting effects on your hair, both good and bad. Look for damage — where do your split ends start?

2. Take a good, long look inside your shower. Try to ignore the mold growing out of the grout — you’re going to focus on your shampoo and con­di­tioner. (You do have these items in your shower, right? If not, you might want to check under­neath the soap to see if anyone’s hiding any money from you.) Flip the bot­tles over and read the fine print. Your hair type is going to dic­tate a lot about what you should use to clean it. Curly, dry hair often looks and feels amazing when scrubbed with only con­di­tioner and rinsed thor­oughly. Greasy-​headed war­riors or dan­druff suf­ferers may want to try a sulfate-​free shampoo and a dimethicone-​free con­di­tioner — sul­fates can dry out your scalp, causing it to over­pro­duce oil to make up for the damage, and dime­thicone can weigh down fine hair. “Salon quality” hair product is largely over­rated. Here are a few sug­ges­tions to get you started with sulfate-​free sham­poos (click on the set for product info):

It can take up to a month to see results after switching prod­ucts, but you’ll know when it hap­pens. Your scalp will figure out how much oil it should be pro­ducing eventually.

What you use to get the tan­gles out is impor­tant, as well. Comb the knots out of your hair before you get in the shower. Stop piling all of your hair on top of your head like a bee­hive when you shampoo — that’s what gives you those unholy tan­gles. Hair breaks more easily when it’s wet, so use a wide-​toothed comb to get tan­gles out after you dry off, and brush dry hair with a boar bristle brush. Bristle brushes help dis­tribute oil from your roots all the way down to the ends of your hair, so you don’t get “crispy tips” between trims.

3. Pick a hair­stylist. If you live near a major metrop­olis, you should be able to find someone that under­stands what you want. Yelp can be a good resource for finding styl­ists. If you’re in the Boston area, you’d do well to check out Liquid Hair Studios — the staff was kind enough to soothe me with boozy pink lemonade when the time came to bid farewell to my beloved Taxi Driver mohawk.

Once you’ve selected a stylist, book an appoint­ment and tell them that you’re growing your hair long. Death-​metal long. All one length. Demand that all dam­aged hair be purged. Try not to think about how much hair is ending up on the floor. It’s as dead as punk, and nothing can re-​animate it, so kiss it goodbye. If you don’t want to pony up for a blow-​dry, you can usu­ally ask that your stylist leave it wet. In this case, I think it’s worth the money — once dry, you can inspect your hair in the mirror and see if any split ends were left behind. Feel free to ask your stylist to take care of those before you get up out of the chair. Don’t forget to tip on your way out!

MAINTENANCE:

4. Now that you’ve got a healthy head of hair, you’ve got to keep it that way while it grows. Experiment with dif­ferent hair product to see what makes your hair behave. Comparison shop­ping for shampoo isn’t very metal, but groupie-​getting hair is, so put up or shut up. Use your down time. Are you sit­ting at home in your sweat­pants, watching reruns and “absorbing” your new vinyl? Great! You’ve got time to deep con­di­tion. What you use is your choice, but I find that cheapest and most effec­tive deep-​conditioners are olive, coconut, or jojoba oil. Pour a quarter-​sized amount of your chosen con­di­tioner into your palm, rub your hands together a bit, and run them over your hair, adding a little extra product to the tips. Use your fin­ger­tips to work the con­di­tioner into your scalp, then run your wide-​toothed comb through your hair to dis­perse it. Leave it in as long as you can stand — if you’re not get­ting laid that night, sleep with it in. (If you are get­ting laid that night, wash it out after an hour or two.) You might want to wrap your hair in a towel to pre­vent fucked-​up pillowcases.

5. Check out the ends of your hair when­ever you can be both­ered. As soon as you start to see split ends, pay a visit to your stylist and have it trimmed off. Split ends travel upward — the longer you put off a trim, the more hair is going to have to come off in the end. “But I’m tryyyying to grow it looooonger!” I hear you whine. Suck it up — do you want shitty long hair now or good long hair later? Avoid metal hair clips — bar­rettes are false metal, and can cause your hair to break; use seam­less hair elas­tics to elim­i­nate snag­ging when you need to get it all out of your face. Consider nutri­tion — healthy hair comes from a healthy body, so you might want to start sup­ple­menting your usual diet of Jack Daniels and metham­phet­a­mines with a mul­ti­vi­t­amin. Look for one that con­tains biotin; it’s reputed to make your hair grow faster.

6. Experiment with rinses. Some people swear by vinegar rinses, where you lean over the tub and dump a cupful of apple cider vinegar over your hair. Think Elizabeth Bathory here — the more vinegar ends up in your hair, the pret­tier it will look. Rinse it out with cold water after­ward, unless you’re into smelling like salad dressing. Vinegar rinses are great for get­ting product out of your hair — it even works on Aquanet.

7. Be careful about dying your hair. Bleach does per­ma­nent damage, and will dry out an oily scalp. (I found this to be a pleasing after­ef­fect, but if your hair is already dry, steer clear.) Peroxide-​based dyes cause damage, as well. Some people swear by henna, and while that par­tic­ular shade of red can be a little garish, it does con­di­tion your hair very well.

8. Blow-​drying is not gen­er­ally con­sid­ered trve kvlt, but as long as nobody’s looking…it can help to put a dif­fuser on the end of your dryer. It will encourage waves in straight hair, and leave loose spi­rals in curly hair. Flipping your head over and drying it upside-​down can result in big hair — if this is what you’re after, try it. If you want your straight hair to lay flat, let it air dry and con­sider run­ning a flat-​iron over it. Curly hair can air dry if you work in a bit of leave-​in con­di­tioner while it’s still damp. Observe how your hair behaves after blow-​drying and keep a sharp eye out for damage — some people prefer to use a thermal pro­tec­tant product on their hair while using heat to style. It’s heat-​proof chem­ical armor for your hair.

That’s the long and short of it. (Ha!) Having good long hair is a pain in the ass, but it’s totally worth all of the work — espe­cially when you start to work it into your rou­tine. Five min­utes or an hour here and there is insignif­i­cant in the long run, and really makes a dif­fer­ence. In the end, it’s all about exper­i­menting to figure out what looks best on you — you are Genesis P. and your head is Throbbing Gristle.