The Metalhit Chick, or The Only Real Difference Between Genres is How You Accessorize

Sometimes I’m bored, some­times I’m poor, and some­times I’m stuck at the office and maybe Cosmic Hearse hasn’t updated in a few days, so I go pawing through the free music offer­ings from Amazon to see if I can’t find any new music to like. Recently, Metalhit churned out a few free com­pi­la­tions, which looked fun if not super-​promising. Each comp is orga­nized by sub­genre and has one or three good songs — Judas Iscariot and Lifelover and Nunslaughter are all fea­tured — but what pulled my atten­tion in was the model fea­tured on each cover and the kind-​of-​hilarious way that she’s been styled to rep­re­sent each genre. Let’s take a look…

Death Metal

I want to start with the death metal com­pi­la­tion. Girl, tuck those thumbs in, those are some of the laziest, gen­tlest horns I’ve even seen thrown. Other than the rather delicate-​looking collar, this outfit is not too far away from what I usu­ally see on classic death metal chicks — spiked belt hitched up a bit high, black tank top, long hair. Usually I see two huge piles of ban­gles and wrist­bands in place of fore­arms, but it’s an optional look. Not too bad, but she looks a little bummed out; maybe it’s because she wants better accessories.

Thrash Metal

Ok, you’re wearing a good, classic thrash band shirt (of one of the acts on the com­pi­la­tion). Looks like the same string-​and-​cat-​collar neck­laces as were fea­tured on the death comp, maybe everyone was short on jew­elry that day; we can all for­give that. The raised fist is a nice touch, but I’m not buyin’ the rageface.

Doom Metal

Doom metal: it will lit­er­ally bore you to tears.

Black Metal

Our new friend was in the middle of saying, “What the hell is this shit?” when the cover shot was taken for the black metal com­pi­la­tion, but I’d be over it, too, if I had to shill for half the bands on this. Makeup is appro­pri­ately grimy, if not quite corpse­paint, but the per­fect lip­stick makes this sus­pi­ciously glam rock. Get back to me when you’re wearing these gauntlets.

Folk Metal

This cover is the best one overall, in my opinion, but what’s “folk metal” about the button down shirts that I wear to the office? Lace-​up Renn-​faire-​reject poet shirts, corsets, and hitched skirts, or go home. The woad is nice, but this woman is either a giantess, or she bought her axe at Toys-​R-​Us. At least she legit­i­mately looks like she could kick someone’s ass in this shot!

Gothic Metal

My favorite. Gothic metal. All-​white outfit. Wearing the least makeup out of all of these. The only photo of this model smiling. On the gothic com­pi­la­tion. Someone sit me down and explain this, please.

Please don’t think I’m hating on this model; she’s beau­tiful and I would prob­ably kill a man if it would get me hair like that. I lay the blame firmly on the styl­ists’ shoul­ders — there’s a look in this chick’s eyes that says “Get me out of here and into my band shirts and jeans, please.” Most of these com­pi­la­tions seem as hack­neyed as the cover jobs, with a few good tracks that you prob­ably already have, and the head-​scratching inclu­sion of a Russian NS band, but you get what you pay for…

How would you have better styled this poor model?

PS — Metalhit isn’t entirely ter­rible; for instance, they dis­trib­uted the Metality Compilation last summer, which actu­ally brought my atten­tion to a bunch of excel­lent acts that I hadn’t heard pre­vi­ously. No hard feel­ings, guys, just take the hint!