Sometimes I’m bored, sometimes I’m poor, and sometimes I’m stuck at the office and maybe Cosmic Hearse hasn’t updated in a few days, so I go pawing through the free music offerings from Amazon to see if I can’t find any new music to like. Recently, Metalhit churned out a few free compilations, which looked fun if not super-promising. Each comp is organized by subgenre and has one or three good songs — Judas Iscariot and Lifelover and Nunslaughter are all featured — but what pulled my attention in was the model featured on each cover and the kind-of-hilarious way that she’s been styled to represent each genre. Let’s take a look…
I want to start with the death metal compilation. Girl, tuck those thumbs in, those are some of the laziest, gentlest horns I’ve even seen thrown. Other than the rather delicate-looking collar, this outfit is not too far away from what I usually see on classic death metal chicks — spiked belt hitched up a bit high, black tank top, long hair. Usually I see two huge piles of bangles and wristbands in place of forearms, but it’s an optional look. Not too bad, but she looks a little bummed out; maybe it’s because she wants better accessories.
Ok, you’re wearing a good, classic thrash band shirt (of one of the acts on the compilation). Looks like the same string-and-cat-collar necklaces as were featured on the death comp, maybe everyone was short on jewelry that day; we can all forgive that. The raised fist is a nice touch, but I’m not buyin’ the rageface.
Doom metal: it will literally bore you to tears.
Our new friend was in the middle of saying, “What the hell is this shit?” when the cover shot was taken for the black metal compilation, but I’d be over it, too, if I had to shill for half the bands on this. Makeup is appropriately grimy, if not quite corpsepaint, but the perfect lipstick makes this suspiciously glam rock. Get back to me when you’re wearing these gauntlets.
This cover is the best one overall, in my opinion, but what’s “folk metal” about the button down shirts that I wear to the office? Lace-up Renn-faire-reject poet shirts, corsets, and hitched skirts, or go home. The woad is nice, but this woman is either a giantess, or she bought her axe at Toys-R-Us. At least she legitimately looks like she could kick someone’s ass in this shot!
My favorite. Gothic metal. All-white outfit. Wearing the least makeup out of all of these. The only photo of this model smiling. On the gothic compilation. Someone sit me down and explain this, please.
Please don’t think I’m hating on this model; she’s beautiful and I would probably kill a man if it would get me hair like that. I lay the blame firmly on the stylists’ shoulders — there’s a look in this chick’s eyes that says “Get me out of here and into my band shirts and jeans, please.” Most of these compilations seem as hackneyed as the cover jobs, with a few good tracks that you probably already have, and the head-scratching inclusion of a Russian NS band, but you get what you pay for…
How would you have better styled this poor model?
PS — Metalhit isn’t entirely terrible; for instance, they distributed the Metality Compilation last summer, which actually brought my attention to a bunch of excellent acts that I hadn’t heard previously. No hard feelings, guys, just take the hint!